Doctor Recommended

Noah's Ark Re-enactment Ends In Tragedy, Tribulations

PENSACOLA, FL - Attempting a feat that no mortal has ever successfully tried doing, members of an evangelical Christian group headed by one "Dr. Dino" undertook what some Creation Scientists* called a tour de force in proving just how miraculous and amazing God is.

Kent Hovind (Dr. Dino), a self-proclaimed crypto-zoologist and True Lover? of Jesus told reporters shortly before the incident, ?At long last we will prove to the world and to the naysayer, that the story of an ancient Mesopotamian family is not only true, but accurate and pure.?

Along with nearly ten-thousand God-fearing Christians around the world, Hovind painstakingly gathered a male and female animal of each species across the globe. Animals that were not included were: walruses, sea-lions, otters, komodo dragons, skunks, and most reptiles & lizards. He then housed the cornucopia of creatures in a building specifically designed to the specifications of those cubits listed in Genesis [see below].

Following the conclusion of the experiment last weekend Mr. Hovind today held a formal press conference. The following is it in its entirety:

?Ladies and gentleman, heathens, heretics and holy rollers, several months ago sixteen men and women volunteers were selected to stay aboard the Ark 2002 project to feed and clean each animal; more on this matter later. Also, up front we did not include insects as they are too numerous and too fragile to transport or take care of for 40 days. Basically we limited it to mammals and birds.

?Refrigerating certain portions of the Ark was difficult at first, as attempts at keeping ice from melting failed each and every time tools from six thousand years ago were used. One Ralph Reed, a Bible-believing Christian, mentioned that he could obtain freezers for wholesale prices, thus solving the problem of accommodating penguins, polar bears and an assortment of other animals living in freezing climates.

?Once the technological barrier was hurdled, heaters and humidifiers were brought in to keep animals from the rain forest alive and kicking. No expense was spared to make leopards, koalas and panda bears safe and sound. We could monitor the venomous snake pit and alligator den remotely thanks to the wonders of modern technology. God certainly worked in mysterious ways back in Noah?s day; it would have certainly been quite difficult to keep the Cobra?s from eating the ground hogs or squirrels let alone smaller more hapless creatures. Oh, and no human would be endangered, we would use animatronics throughout the facility to do all the dirty work in areas in and around rattlesnakes and the like.

?Sure we kind of cheated by using our own transportation methods to carry and move the specimens. We couldn?t risk having the animals die on the way to our Ark. Heck, we couldn?t risk them trying to crawl across mountains, volcanoes, oceans or through hurricanes, blizzards and tornadoes. Back in the day God certainly was miraculous if he protected those animals from such a calamity.

?Artificially moving them is actually an easier decision than it sounds. At first we tried to lure several animals from their habitats through chemical sprays and foods. This only worked as long as the environment played along. Soon we found that rain, wind and other ailments hindered and slowed our plan to a stand still. And if you were to ask what the breaking point was, I?d have to say that the last straw occurred after coaxing several land turtles from the Amazon across the Panama Canal only to have them scorched by the Sun?s intense heat. From that point on we decided that God most probably used the clouds to shade and protect these fragile creatures along their death-defying journey. This was our premiere reason for using cars, boats and kennels to transport the subjects.

?How do we keep these animals in their stalls without killing them? I?ve always pictured the inside of the Ark as something out of a barn, you know, where each cell is separated by simple wood walls and hay on the ground. Little did I know that most animals do not live on farms or ranches and in fact need unique ecosystems to survive. Fortunately, several members of the group had friends at the San Diego Zoo who readily offered their services. Once we established the boundaries separating predator from prey we could begin with proper lighting, ventilation, vegetation and climate controls.

?If nothing else, we learned a great deal of how cramped up mammals behave during long amounts of captivity. First, unlike what I was led to believe, none of the animals sat still or kept to themselves. The males were constantly trying to dominate or seduce the females who were always gestating. The combined noises of all the animals alone would have caused any normal to go insane. Fortunately, during Noah?s time, God was there to protect both man and animal from causing any damage to one another?s ear drum. In our Ark we used sound-proof walls to insulate the continual moans, groans, screeches, yelps, hoots, hollers, coughs, sneezes, yawns, chirps, chimes, growls and snarls. We used the tools of God today, just as Noah used God in his day. Glory glory.

?Although I do not have all of the details, off hand, I can safely say that the elephants, both Indian and African, did not like their situation at all. They along with the giraffes had to sit during their entire stay with us, as a cell any taller would require expanding an already obtuse structure past even liberal biblical interpretations. Lucky for us though, we had stashed large quantities of sedatives which could subdue them for hours on end. Hippopotamuses and rhinoceroses initially had difficult times as well, but learned who their master was quickly. Lions, tigers and bears were pretty easy, especially after we brought in live gazelle.

?Taxonomically speaking, most animals were difficult to peg down, as there are so many different kinds of each. There is the Bengal tiger, spotted tiger and even a stripped tiger. Then there are black bears, white bears, Kodiak bears ? the more we looked at it the more it looked like the species almost specialized and adapted to their surroundings and continued to evolve down a common tree. Cheetahs, lynx?s, bob-cats, Mountain lions, panthers, cougars, etc., that is just a few from the large feline family. We had the luxury of being able to design each cell in accordance to the shape of each creature. In the end, unless otherwise noted, all the animals stood. There wasn?t much room to groom or defecate. A trap door allowed for the discharge to be obtained and gave us the ability to feed the animals without causing any unfortunate confrontations. And yes, lots of mating went on.

?Ducks, swans, geese, hawks, owls, parrots, blue-jays, cardinals, mocking birds, sparrows, crows, vultures, sea gulls, eagles, flamingos, whooping cranes, canaries, finches, woodpeckers, toucans, ostrich?s, kiwi?s, albatrosses, petrels, pelicans, herons, storks, osprey, falcons, turkeys, chickens, quails, pheasants, pigeons, trumpeters, sandpipers, doves, cockatoos, hummingbirds, kingfishers, rollers, hoopoes and jacamars. The birds alone could take an entire Ark to fill. Thankfully, the Lord showed one member of our how God handled this. The birds would all sit outside, on top of the roof and siding. Most probably, the heavens were to rain down food and protection for these creatures, just like with Moses during his exodus. Oh and never mind the whole raining for 40 days and 40 nights ? the birds outside would be protected, God said so.

?Iberian horses, draft horses, Arabian horses, Quarter horses, Paint horses, Andalusian horses, Appaloosa horses, Clydesdale horses, Friesian horses, Lipizzaner horses, Miniature horses, Palomino and Mustangs, and zebras. Again, the variety of animals, in this case horses, throughout the world is amazing, glory to God. Llamas, emus, camels, deer, moose, elk, cows, ox, goats, sheep, rams, pigs and wolves are considered ranch or farm quality and we used the typical ones you?d see in a movie, none too specific ? very broad like: the white sheep and grey goat or a black wolf and pink pig. Get the picture?

?Marsupials like gerbils, hamsters, rats, mice and guinea pigs would not be allowed to breed, nor would the rabbits, hares or kangaroos. Though, that is in theory, in practice it was a little different.

?As I said before, the first policy implemented was standing room only. Next, we had to figure out how to make sound-proof rooms with wood similar to what you would find in the Arabian/Persian geographic area today. Well, as that material is hard to come by, we went with what is arguably the best wood in the world. It may have cost extra monetarily speaking, but it was a price we believe was necessary to show our devotion to God, as this item was just another test he used to see our allegiance and perseverance. I think you?ll like what we used and am certain God gave us extra credit for being creative.

?Based on our studies of what resources Noah and his family had at their disposal, the metal necessary to make strong and sturdy nails did not exist in quantities that were necessary to hold the structure up. More than likely, pitch and tar along with rope held this wooden beast up. Well, we showed God who was more resourceful. Instead of using outmoded and outdated technologies such as those, we went with cement that looked like wood. It?s the kind of stuff your neighbors used to make their fence ? it lasts forever and can take a beating. We hooked the cement wood together using the welding technology found primarily in rollercoaster?s as those materials take quite a beating.

?If the animal sort of lived in the water, like frogs or certain snakes and turtles we left it up to God to determine whether we should bring these. It would be their initiative to make it to Ark 2002 building, if they made it then it was Gods will. On this note I should add how awesome God is for his actions six thousand years ago, he protected thousands of animals as they made their journeys across thousands of miles and then protected them again after those horrible 6 weeks of captivity.

?After we crammed what we believe to be the correct taxonomies into the Ark, we ran into another small snag ? food. How are we going to feed all these animals? We couldn?t have them eat each other, that was simply out of the question. Rice, beans, grass, hay, turnips, potatoes and other carbohydrates was primarily used and fed about forty percent of the creatures on board. Through creative planning we managed to stave off weird diseases caused by a monotonous diet, well, at least until week two. Corn, carrots, cabbage and other vegetables were thrown into the mix to give aid to beasts. At this point I should note also that we cut a corner. As this was the first time we have tried this experiment we were unsure as to how or where we would store the necessary food for all these animals. We cheated and stocked a warehouse across the street with all the required food and water. God probably didn?t count this against us though, as there isn?t any specific details on how the large amounts of food was stored back when Noah was given the task.

?In the end, nearly all of the animals perished, including the Lion King, both African elephants and the California condors. Despite their best planning the group was unable to stop diseases from spreading from one room to the next. The specific diet for each animal was too hard to come by as was money for the electric bill we incurred while tuning each habitat to the necessary environment. We were completely caught of guard when it came to fecal disposal. I do not believe anyone has a clue when it comes to the amount of discharge larger animals produce. Even the smaller woodland creatures produce enormous amounts that seem uncanny for a shrew that size. Oh, and we believe that God had Noah and his family toss the manure over board, we sold it to local nurseries.

?For those of you who are wondering as to what happened to the human volunteers we brought on board, here is the scoop. It became apparent after the first day of cleaning, feeding, nursing and healing God?s wonderful beasts that more than the traditionally prescribed group of sixteen persons would be able to care for each animal twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week for six weeks. Along with the weird sleep schedules like hibernations and being nocturnal some animals were indifferent and lethargic, not wanting to do their business like clock work. These sixteen, which we called the Remnant, were soon assisted by trained zoologists, entomologists, plant pathologists and an assortment of other botanists and ranch hands. However, despite their best efforts and collective know how, one tragedy after another took place.

?What started out as a simple common cold in the venison moved into an Ebola-like flesh eating disease that ravaged everything it its way. Last weekend we finally pulled the plug, thirty two days into the project. The only creatures spared were the rabbits and snakes who seemed to adapt to the conditions easily. I should note that as soon as one species died out we opened up that room for other creatures to multiply and flourish.

?Looking back, the biggest challenge was probably trying to place your average metropolitan zoo into something a little larger than a football field. The electronics embedded into the walls, the air conditioning and heaters all stood the test of time, but those weren?t used thousands of years ago. The monitoring systems broke down too. The security cameras got covered in musty soot. The biometric emitters placed in each creature to relay body heat and nutritional information, caused sores to fester and diseases to spread more easily.

?The monkeys, chimpanzees, gorillas, orangutans, baboons and other apes who were brought in, all died as well, as their immune systems were unable to cope with the exotic diseases floating throughout the stationary vehicle. The smell itself from compost and decomposition was said to be so ferocious that the human workers had to dress up in hazard suits similar to those used when biochemical disasters take place.

?All told what did us in at the end was the waste disposal system and the traditional style that we built the Ark in. Next time, and yes there will be a next time, we?ll streamline and automate the entire process. Actually, we have batted around the idea of digitizing all the animals and creating a virtual Ark. If that is done no more needless deaths would take place to prove how glorious and magnificent God is.

?On the bright side we showed the world how miraculous and wonderful God is, if people less sophisticated and less advanced as us were able to pull of such a tremendous task with his assistance and wisdom. So what if we missed gathering a few animals, maybe even few dozen, what does that matter? We are mere humans when stacked up to God, who are we to doubt what is written about him or to even question his ways??

Movementarian.com has since learned that an attempt to entice a sperm whale to ?swallow? a man is currently underway. Stay tuned for coverage.

*Note: we use the word scientist in its loosest possible way

Posted by Tim at August 2, 2003 11:28 PM | TrackBack